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Jessie

[ website | Really Cool Name Here ]
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Damn [02 Dec 2004|09:53am]
[ mood | amused ]

Eck I haven't updated in awhile. I guess having two main journals is abit harder then I thought it out to be. Oh well. I will continue to write here.

Well with the Jon thing, he isn't rlly talking to me. Jase told him about the whole miscarriage thing last night. Or atleast I think he did. Because after 9:30 I couldn't get hold of either of them. Plus someone was calling me after 9 again. Pissing off my parents to no end. What idiot was calling me. I told all my friends that I could't receive calls after 9 unless I was on my moms cellphone. But yeah. -_- It's been awhile since I actually thought about the whole miscarriage thing. I've been too distracted lately. Maybe it's the reason why I still try to talk to Jon. Even though now maybe... he may not want to talk to me because I lied to him about the test results. Saying they where negative. Eh, I kinda feel bad. But then again he was too stressed at the moment for another weight to be added to his shoulders.

Eh I shouldn't talk of the past anymore, it's too depressing.
Today has been uneventful. Cold as hell in Venture because the damn heats turned off.

I g2g
Love All
Jest

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woot [08 Nov 2004|06:27pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Yay, Jon is actually talking to me, it makes a few things better. Well sorta. Cause there still is no closure between us and I think that we should atleast be friends. he said he din know why he was rlly mad at me, I brang up the fact that I had lied to him about some things that I heard he was angry about and made my pont that those things he was angry about where stupid. People exaggerate sometimes, and he told me that the whole Jeet thing was understood by him, that he knew why I did it and forgave me. Hopefully we will talk more soon. He just seems to be the only one whocan make me smile just by hearing his voice, even if it for just a little while. As for me, if he did hack my computer I rlly dont care and I forgive him. What is this world without forgiveness? It'd be a horrible place to live. Anywho, I'll write later, and for those of you who read my In-Depth Journal, now would be the time to check it again for updates on recent activity and posts.

Love all,
Jest

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Change [26 Oct 2004|08:48am]
[ mood | awake ]

Hey. I'm making a new Live Journal. The friends that want to know what it is under can Im me or call. Because of certain ppl I cannot release the name out publicly.

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Anger is just the tip of the Iceburg [25 Oct 2004|01:53pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

ooo so pissed off. I have learned that JON is the one behind all the hacking. Not his freinds. He told Jase and Jase, being a loyal friend told me. He told Jase not to tell me. I wonder why? Now who's acting like someone their not. Yeah Jon... this is somthing the REAL you would never do. Whatever has happened to you, is fuckin retarded. Yeah... you may join me in the 'retard' department. Why din you want Jase to tell me? Because I didn't deserve to know? Is that what Stevo and them are drilling into your brain? Well their wrong. I did deserve to know. And they shouldn't have gooten into OUR relationship in the first place. I wasn't going out with them, I was going out with you, let them get their own damn lives instead of messing with other peoples. Pulling shit like the whole Jeet thing, being a reason not to talk to me is bs. You said you forgave me for it! You said you knew why I did it! Looks like I was wrong, and mis-judged you. I guess we really weren't ever in love. This new two-faced person you've turned into is a fuckin monster that they have created to suite their needs, not yours. You hate me for the smallest lies... which is stupid. People over-exagerate things. I happen to be one of those people. I am human Jon, I make mistakes, and I lie sometimes. HUMAN BEHAVIOR! You've done it too so don't push it all on me. You said you hated Jamie, disgusted by her. Then, after I leave you are helping her cheat on your best friend. Now who's a backstabber? Yes, I know everything. I knew it while you where hacking me that it was you. Only you would hack someone like that. Maybe you shouldn't have showed me what you could do to emble and lynns aims. Even changing passwords, ingenuis, but you slipped up, made a mistake. Yeah I'm no longer using those accounts and I lost many of the ppl on my buddy list but hey. The ones that really matter I remembered. Dont wrry, I wont bother contacting you when I get back to Va. Or seeing you. It isnt worth my time. Oh and not to mention you broke many promises. Now look back and see how much of a dirtbag you turned out to be.

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Cant find my voice [24 Oct 2004|02:11pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Hey, well friday I went to the Trail of terror with my friend Kyle and his freind Ryan Dust...who btw...is a total fuckin hottie! Wootness! He looks like a live Johnny the homicidal maniac. Well thats what he was dressed up as for the trail. He's awesome. I'm thinking about going back next weekend. Otherwise I've been just fine. Getting along as it seems, with life. The whole Virginia thing...well. I dont think I should go back now. Jons friends may end up killing me if I do. Heck, they know where I live and my phone number. I rlly dont think I should risk my life or my friends for my own selfish reasons. Plus, I may be getting a job with horses. My mom is also giving me the guilt trip from hell. I might aswell stay here and be miserable. Atleast some part of me will be alive. Anyway... As for my freinds who read this I'd like you to know I have alot to consider. And my mind is not yet rlly made up.

I have also of late found out somthing about our friend Jamie. While Jase and her where going out she cheated on him with Jon. Thinking Jon would do this makes me angry but also distances me from him. It is plain to see for myself now that I must back off the Jon and me issue and just let it go. This unfinished business between us will be left as it is and let him think what he may, for I too am entitled to thinking what I may about what he has done to his friendship with Jase. I see no point in ranting on about it so I will leave it all 'as is'

Well I g2g.
Love All
~Jesteroo

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Update [22 Oct 2004|09:55am]
[ mood | blank ]

Well life has been sucky. Jons freinds have him thinking a bunch of shit that may or may not be true and I dont know what he's mad at me for. And he wont tell me, or ask me if whatever it is is true. SO pretty much he doesn't want to give me a chance. So in turn, I wont even try anymore. I give up. Raise the white flag. Thats right Stevo, Lynn, Emble, I give the fuck up.

For those of you not updated on what happened. Someone that knows Jon and wanted me to leave him alone when I was trying to find out why he was mad at me, hacked into my aim account(s), changed the passwords, deleted my groups, and added some really fucked up shit. Then they also changed the password to my e-mail. I know the password because they slipped-up. Or meant to slip up. Anywho. I know the password now so dont worry.

I went to my therapist last night and we talked with my ma. I made it clear in every reason why I wanted to go back... my reasons have changed aswell. I am no longer going back for Jon. He doesnt want me. So I'm not going to bother where he's concerned. I'm going back to be with my family. My dad my sister and my friends. I cant stand the fighting here anymore. It's just getting to me. I'm not happy. I'm miserable. Etc. They say the grass just looks greener on the other side but the other side too to me looks dreary. But atleast I'll have my sanity. Which seems to be lacking even now. My mom is sending the school papers tomorrow to my dad. Through mail and stuff.
Well anywho. Gotta run!

Love All
~Jesterz

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Rock The Monkey! [16 Oct 2004|04:58pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Well, I'm doing ok today. I mean, I went to gamestop and got some vidio games, went to the pet store, came home and played vidio games. Normal saterday. I'm thinking about getting a pet snake. Not sure what kind yet, but I feel that I need a real pet, ya'know, one that I can hold and handle. Not a pet fish, like Genki, my beta, or a frog, or an anole. C'mon, anoles are fast as hell and their tails fall off when frightened. A snake seems like a good pet. I mean, you can hold them. And feed certain ones mice. Some ppl are afread of them. And I dunno what my dad would say about it, but then again, what can he say. It'll stay in my room. Further thoughts on this issue are probable.

I'm gonna get some new shoes soon hopefully. My shoes are starting to talk-_-'. I might be getting black and white converses. WOHOO! Converses rule. I'm also thinking about making duct-tape wrist bands, tied up with shoe-laces from hot-topic. I'm making the rough draft drawing of them tonight. A lil project of mine. Might as well do somthing tomorrow. I am also working on my drawings. I printed out a few samples of Tribal art so I could look at them and try to turn my odd-looking line-art into Tribal. Atleast then I will have a base to call my art by. Then again. I also make firmilier shapes with my line-art. As for anime drawing I am thru with it. There is no inspiration in that department anymore and it is just too much work.

As for the me moving to VA sitchiation, I am working on it. It aint as easy as it was when I moved up here to ct. It can't just happen in a week obviously. Or else I'd be there already. Anywho I g2g.

Love all
ROCK THE MONKEY
~Jesterz

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Woot [15 Oct 2004|09:08am]
[ mood | blank ]

Well I haven't written in a while. Yesterday I hung out with Steven and went to the mall. We played DDr for awhile and just pretty much hung out with ppl we knew.

Those who want an update on the Moving Back Situation, there's not much going on. My mom and dad are hopefully not just sitting on their asses and doing nothing. I want to just get back now. Even if Jon wont be in the picture at all when I get back, I have learned to become more acceptive of the situation. I'm done crying, I'm done, worrying, I'm done with the whole 'I'm so sad' shit. Now... I just want to be me...single...me. I just need some time right now, ya'know, to ready myself for what will happen when I go back. Hopefully, I'm praying for a "Jessie's coming back, no big deal" I dont rlly need the pressure of a yay ur back lets party and shit.

But where Jon is concerned I am angry with him, and also submissive. He blocked my sn, blocked my moms cell phone, and won't talk to me period. I can take a hint when given. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and I... being in the position I am in now, am going to accept it. -_-

Thats right, Jests become more acceptive. May we all clap and make happy. Ya'know, It din even help that tonight my mom was a complete bitch and wouldn't let me go to the mall tonight because I went last night with Steven. WTF, I only played like 15 minutes of DDR with Heather and Steve. Grrr. Things like this rlly piss me off. I can't be acceptive when it comes to family srry. Well I g2g.

Love all
Rock the monkey!
Jesterz

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Wax on, Wax off (Karate Kid) WOOT! [05 Oct 2004|09:05pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Hey, things have been goin ok. No word from my dad yet about my new school. Then again I have till Dec to find one. Jase has been callen, keeping me sane till then. I Reactivated my Cell phone for those of you who are my friends. My new number is (203) 464-3565. People who rlly dont know me know me, please dont call if you don't want to be called back. But then again those people would have no reason for calling me. Right?

Anywho, Jon hasn't talked to me for awhile. -_-' Maybe somthin I said? His sis has his cell so I guess he wont be answering any of my calls. And he hasn't been on much lately, well then again, neither have I. Well I g2g!

Love All
~Jessie

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In a Moment, Everything Can change [03 Oct 2004|01:21pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Things have been changeing drasticly lately. I have come to a place where I must make a decision. I am being pulled in two directions. Each way I am risking somthing, either way I go I will break someone's and my heart. I must choose. There is no other way around it. I want to go back down to Virginia to live with my dad and be with Jon, whom I love more then anything, and I can't live without him. My friends also will be there for me, and help me through the hard times.

The Risks
My education (I may be put back in 10th grade)
Epilepsy (Driving will be off-limits for another yr if I dont wait 3 months)
My family relationship (breaking the hearts of my ma, step-dad, emma, and Jason plus the grandparents (paul and ma think I'm making a Huge mistake.)
Steven, Amber, Nick, and Jared (friend relationships)

Staying. I will be more depressed then ever. I will loose Jon forever. My friends down in Va will grow apart. And my sister will drive my dad crazy.

I have decided though, that my love for Jon means more to me then anything. You only fall in love once. And if you throw it away...well...lets just say it's not a good idea.
The problem is though. I have doubt that he will take me back... or even want me back. I think about it every night. That if I go and he turns me away... that I risked everything for one chance. One chance that I blew. If he turns me away there will be no reason to go on. Pretty much all I've been living on since we broke up was hope. And Hopefully it wont let me down like it has so much in the past.

Well I g2g. Lots more thinking to do.
Luv Everyone
~Jess

SSY Luvs NNY

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Can't Understand [27 Sep 2004|10:05am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

*Sigh* things haven't been the same since me and Jon broke up. Torn in some aspects and broken in others. Yeah. I've cried, but for what reason? For what purpose? Well I guess it's safe to say as my therapist has told me he just may have been my first love ... but the thing I can barely understand is why I'm living like this. With my mom I'm completely miserable, and I don't really have friends. In Mrs. Plants words their more of aquentances. Because I really can't make friends at the school I'm at.

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A heart apart [25 Sep 2004|11:15am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Well... there is much to say, and then again there isn't. How I knew it was coming, I don't know, why I just let it happen, to make him happier. If that is not enough for any of you to peice together I will say this. Yesterday, when I finally got in contact with Jon, he dumped me... or we dumped eachother pretty much. I knew he couldn't handle it and he could no longer take it. Yes I did cry, yes I did ask why. Both stupid jump-to emotions any weak person would jump to and I regret it. Regret very much letting him hear me cry ounce again over the phone. But now I feel like I have lost apart of myself. There is Pain where that part of me was and it wont go away. It's started to haunt my dreams. I want to cut myself to get rid of the pain and focus it on the physical, but I promised Jon that I wouldn't. And Jon is all that matters to me. Going to DM last night didn't help at all. 2 of my ex's where there and bugged the liven shit outta me. Thank god Mel,Jess, and her bf came along and took me to the food court for a slushy.

If this is what Jon needs I guess I'm alright with it, and I still love him more then anything. I doubt I will go out with anyone. Because honestly, Jon is all I would ever want. Everyone else doesn't seem right. It doesn't fill that empty place I now have. I hope that next summer when I return for good that me and him can be back together. But... hoping isn't enough. And I feel now that my hope will fail me and he will find someone new to be happy with. Part of me doesn't blame him. I just wish I could make things right.

Everyone wants me back down in Virginia. Saying I belong down there not here. I know it's true, because nothing seems right up here.But I must stay true to my word. And atleast be a Senior next year. I guess I have to wait. And if I lose Jon... well, let my hearts peices break and fall to the ground as they may.

~Evelynn Jessica Ann Girard

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[24 Sep 2004|09:11am]
[ mood | crappy ]

Well things have been hectic and stressful lately, somtimes I wonder why I even say things I shouldn't. Jon hung up on me yesterday, so I guess now we are even, but it just adds to the heartbreak. It's just lately he hasn't been himself and it feel like he hates me for some reason. Maybe it's just me. But I can't help but feel like he's growing apart from me, and maybe 9 months is too long for him to go. I will write more later.

Love all
Love Jon
~Jess

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O? (Continuence frum this morning) [21 Sep 2004|08:10pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Well. Like I feared I feel now that Jon is moving farther and farther away. I talked with him on the phone today and he said somthing that hurt me really bad. It hit strait home to the heart. He said 'Nothing matters to me anymore' and also pretty much said he was on the verge of not careing for me anymore. That made me start to cry, but he didn't seem to care, it tore an even bigger hole into my heart then him saying those words. That he didn't even care that I was crying. God I dont want to make him miserable. I never ment that to happen, I want him to be happy and he doesn't seem to be happy with me at all. Things are just a mess. I just really need to talk talk to him. Not just talk like we regularly do. I need to know before we go any further in this relationship that he is happy with it and me and right now it seems as ifhe just really doesn't care. More then likely I'll cry myself to sleep like I did last night. Nothing new... just so sad and my hearts torn up real bad. I want to make things better, I want to make things work between me and him, but it feels like he's just giving up on me... in a very slow way. Well Thats all I'll write for now, if I write more I'm bound to cry again and I dont want to.

Love all
Love Jon more then anything
~Jess/SSY

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o? [21 Sep 2004|09:07am]
Well as it turns out Steven came over last night and brought a girl named Amy that I know from DM with him. They also brought the tests with them and I can't seem to thank them enough. Amy came with him to tell me how to do everything and atleast try to relax because the last couple of days I've been madly stressed out about it. Well I hugged them both and they left. I hid the tests up in my room till at 12 I went downstairs and did it. The 3 minute wait was horrible, I literally praying to god that it would come up negative and three minutes later it did! I was so happy...to be continued
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wOoT [16 Sep 2004|12:41pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Hey. Well I havent been posting lately because, ya'know, busy finding a job. But anywho...

I miss Jon, and I hope Steven will hurry up and get that test to me. I started having cramps today so I have the slight feeling that I'm fine. Craveing chocolate and slimjims, always a good sign. But if anything SHOULD happen and I actually DO turn out to be pregnant, I will have to tell Mrs. Plant first. Then the Nun, to figure out on how the hell I'm gonna tell my mom.

But, being the rlly carefree person I am I dont really care now if I am or not. Because either way, things will turn out alright because I still have Jon at my side, well mentally right now. But yeah, he's still there for me. And that makes me happy. That no matter what happens he will love me just the same. Reason one why I have broken down only once since I left. Turns out my ma found out I did. Mrs. Plant obviously told her.

But I've started to feel better, and starting today going on a diet. Stevo was right. Well a lil that is. I'm not overly fat but I've just been lounging around all summer, I need to be more active and start eating healthier and better. Cause, ya'know, reddi whip, and a buncha other junk-food I had been binging on made me gain a lil. Oh well, I just have to go on an all-salad diet for a couple days. Nuthin but salad. I have done it before. Ask Krista. All I realy ate was salad and raveolies and I was as healthy as anyone. Skinny lil shit, but healthy. So Jon, you dont have to worry bout me starving myself. Anywho, I g2g.

Love all,
Love Jon
~Jessie

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BrEaKiNg DoWn [14 Sep 2004|12:57pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

*sigh* Today, yes, was a very bad day. One of many upcoming bad days. But today I let rip. This morning I just layed in bed for an extra half an hour. All I could think of was Jon, and it hit me again. A slap of reality, again. I miss him alot. I went to school wearing his Hatebreed shirt, thinking it would make me feel better. It still smells like him BTW. This attempt of self-cheering up was hopeless. When I got into 2nd period I was ready to cry. I refused to do work for the second day this week. Miss. Fryer got mad and called my school therapist Mrs. Plant. She came and got me. I ended up breaking down into tears the minute I sat down. She gave me tissues and asked me what was wrong and stuff. I just refused to tell her, eventually she ended up asking me if I missed Jon and I shook my head yeah and told her that I can't take another year of this so most likely in my senior year I will move back to Virginia to be with him. She supported my decision and said I would know it was ment to by then if we just get past this long distance, then I will know that it's meant to be and alright to move down there.

There is another little problem. Jessie may be Pregnant. I'm just a lil late, and I have been stressing like mad over it. It could be delaying my period I dont know. But I talked to Steven last night about it, he said he was very disapointed, but he would do everything in his power to help. Like buying a pregnancy test for me so I dont have to keep stressing about it and get an answer finally. I swear to god if I am then everything is gonna go to hell. My mom is gonna be pissed, my dad may not want me anymore, things wont ever be the same between me and Jon, and my family will be ashamed of me. I have alot to loose, especially my life if I dont get an abortion. Epilepsy sucks. And the Medicine doesn't help.

But if it turns out that I'm not pregnant I will be happier and more careful then ever from now on.

I miss Jon so much, and when I hear his voice I'm happier. When I see him on his webcam and he smiles I just want to be there with him. This distance is so heartbreaking. Srry if I'm just ranting on and on but I think also that everything will work out alright. Whether I am or not it will work out ok. These are just speed-bumps in the long road of life. And we just have to get over them.

Well I g2g,
Love all
Love Jon
~Jessie

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Brain Drained [10 Sep 2004|09:38pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Well, skewl sucks, officially. The gay guy and the skitzo are gone and Jared is there annoying the liven shit outta me. There's this new guy who is a tatoo artist and a peircer in my class, he's pretty kewl. My Geometry teacher doesn't kno Geometry and I hav Business and Law. OH FUN! A note taking class with Nuzzo the lesbo! Not only do I see her fer that class I also have English with her. Mr hastings sent me on a Manditory because I wasnt doing work, um well, I did ask him for paper, not rlly motivated to do the work but atleast I fuckin asked fer paper to do it. Then 15 minutes later he sends me out on a walk round the school n hospital with Dorio. Eh. When I got home I was so tired. Unfortunatly Steven was sitten on my front steps waiting fer me to get home and came running up to me and gave me a big hug. Ya'know, I think he cracked every bone in my body. He dragged me to the mall and I filled out a Hot Topic application for work, then we got into DM for free, their fuckin charging 10 bucks fer you to get in now. WTF! Steven says it's to keep the stragglers who just sit around out. Excuse me...I'm very good at sitting around for hours doing nothing and am not gonna pay 10$ to do it. The fuckin DDR pads r always taken over by a bunch of ppl on fri-sun. Good thing I get outta skewl early, maybe if I hang out with steven more I can get into Dm for free around 12.

Eck anywho..
I miss Jon alot, I mean, I cant even get through school without thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him and I just cant stand it. 1 more year...thats all. Just one more year. Jon hasn't been himself lately. It makes me so angry. Well Stevo is talking to me now. Actually unblocked, which has me wondering why he blocked me in the first place. When he's the one who was pouring out insalts at me and my sister.

Well I gonna go na na
Love ALL
Love Jon
~Jess

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Back in Ct [09 Sep 2004|11:20am]
Well, I'm back. Actually in school right now. Cant wait to get home and wait for Jon to call. Well anywho I got home yesterday at 6:45 and not ten minutes later Paul was already yelling at Emma and Jason. Just great, he can't even stop fighting when I get home for jus like 1 day. Makes me think twice bout leavin Virginia and going back to be with Jon. I would if I could but can't, school sucks. It just seems to drag on an on. My hearts in my stomach. Correction HAS BEEN there since I left. Well I go home after this class so yay! I'm going to see the nun tonight. Oh yay, time to get hollared at by my own personal therapist. My mom has probably brainwashed her.

Anywho, someone told my ma that in VA I stayed out late and wouldn't come home fer like 3 days at a time. WHAT A FUCKIN LIE! I was always over Krista's
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Somthin I made up [08 Sep 2004|04:02am]
[ mood | sad ]

I followed my heart and look where it led
You could never see how much my heart bled
when we had to part
in your eyes we where worlds apart

I was dead almost
Invisable to your sight
You loved me so much
Everthing you said seemed right

But now the miles will seperate us
In my heart I feel this distance will make us stronger
But still I wonder
That the choice I made was right

To leave you here alone
Until I could come back
No debts to repay
To be free to be with you forever

Nothing guideing me another way
To hold you in my arms forever
A single sweet embrace
Somthing that will last forever

Would be the beautiful smile
Forever on your face.

~Jessie

The Random shit I make-up when I can't sleep!
Jon I am also writeing you all this shit so when you wake up you will be able to read al of it and feel happier. Call my cell whenever, send me a text msg or somthing. I'll be pretty bored on the car-ride up!

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